What a fucking weird weekend, what the fuck.

I suppose I shouldn't be crying out loud that Saturday I woke up at a friend's house with a total stranger by my side. I mean, I knew who he was, somewhat... I remembered him from the party at the night before, but as I confessed later to the owner of the house, I had no fuckin' idea of his name. She told me, but I already forgot it. It's not like it fuckin' matters, right?

So, as far as strangeness goes, Saturday THE motherfucker finally replied my last e-mail to him. I also suppose I shouldn't be saying out loud that I was very happy to read all three lines of text, but hey, I was. Still am. Don't know... After I've been to that tarot reader and she told me things, I kinda pressed the "fuck it" button. And no, I don't believe such things, but the woman did not only tell me what's going to happen in the future; when she saw I wasn't believing her, she started to tell me things I've been through. With specific dialogue lines and shit. Freaked me out, but held my interest long enough.

So, Saturday night another party. This time I knew the name of the guy that was with me, coming from the fact we've been "together" for a while. I told him of the other's e-mail and he told me to get on with it. I'm glad he understands... I mean, this other guy (the e-mail guy) and I have a pretty strong "past" together. Our differences and scars from that past are not completely healed. Point in fact, they never were, they were just forgotten. But when chance presents itself, it's not like you're gonna throw it away... Is it?

Anyway, that's all.

Oh, for my ODed friend from the last post: he's alright now. :)

- Ace of Cups.

I have always heard people saying that when we're young, we think of ourselves as immortals, as if nothing will ever happen to us. We always know what we're doing. We're certain that nothing bad will happen. I used to think like that...

Recently one of my friends, who wasn't even a close friend, more of an acquaintance I had, almost ODed. He took way too much LSD and from having a very strange trip; as he described 'the best' of his life, he started to vomit and his blood pressure to oscillate. I thought I would lose him, to me he was definitely a goner. But fortunately he made it, he's very bad now...I don't quite know if his never ceasing fever is because of the drug reaction or because of how scared he was when he was going through what probably was the worst time of his life.

It was quite strange, seeing him crying and between moaning of pain and nonsense words to hear him asking for help and he always saying “I think I'm gonna die”. He wasn't exaggerating. In fact, if he was I wouldn't have felt so scared myself... I felt incredibly useless because no matter how much I tried to help and how many times I repeated that everything would be alright, I didn't believe such words myself. I was desperate inside.

Then, all this experience got me thinking... I've never feared death. I have seen death up close more than once. I have experienced when it comes just to scare you and then it leaves; like it did to my friend. I feared it then, but it wasn't death itself that scared me. It was what it caused.

It's like losing something you find way too special. Like when you're a child and someone runs over your favourite toy and it breaks. It's not losing the toy that scares you really; it's just the fact that you don't have another toy like that. It's the same with death... Losing the person is not what really scares me, it's just the uncertainty of “what now?”. Living with a feeling like that is almost a torture to me. Which is, somewhat, a bit selfish.

I mean, I don't fear my death, for example. I know I'm going to die, I've realized that long ago. Actually this is one of the reasons why I never think twice before doing something I really desire and why I couldn't care less what people think of me. I've got only this life to live and I don't intend on wasting it. So death, my death, doesn't scare me. Others' death does... A lot. It's having to live with people's death that scares me, which is, once again, extremely selfish of my side.

You see, I barely knew this guy, but to see him almost dying was by far one of the most scaring moments of my life. It was as if the bell rang that indeed we're not immortals and that if something happened to him, even though I was completely not involved with it, I would have to live with that fact forever. I could almost see it; haunting my dreams, stripped in my thoughts...

And I haven't seen him die. Yet, every time I see him now that image comes to my mind. Every time I see him sick again, which's been happening quite often, I can't help but to think  “will it happen again now?”. And even when I'm not with him...I can't think of anything else, but this fear of death. Why?

- The Empress.